Player Legends – How to Conquer a Club in 45 Minutes
My natural player friend Eli and I check out a small city’s nightlife and he somehow ends up taking over a club.
Eli takes off into a club for half an hour and he’s not answering his phone. A drunk vanished Eli is a dangerous Eli. I always watch my boys, so I head back and get to the bouncer.
Bouncer: “It’s last call man I can’t let anybody in.”
Me: “I”m lookin for my friend Eli.”
Bouncer: “What, you mean like the owner Eli?”
Me: “What?”
Bouncer: “Like the OWNER ELI?”
Me: “Uh, yeah.”
Bouncer: “He’s right over there” and points at MY FRIEND ELI.
He’s in this crowd of people and waving a clipboard – “HEY! YOU! Are you on the list? Hey. Look over here. Is this your name? No? Hey you got a nice ass ” *slap* ” you’re invited!”
He asks people to find their name on the list and they can’t do it. I get a closer look at the paper and it’s a restaurant menu.
ELI ON USING THE CLIPBOARD
“I didn’t even look at the fuckin paper. I was pattin’ people on the butt. ‘Hey buddy.’ Big douchebags that wanna fight with people. ‘Are you on the list? Get the fuck out. You and Fabio over there. Get some mustard and butter and go home.’”
THE REAL OWNER SHOWS UP
It’s last call and as Eli backs up the entire club into a huge line, some scarecrow lookin’ dude marches up to him with a serious look on his face.
“I’m the owner’s brother. What are you doing with that clipboard?”
“Hey my name’s Eli. It’s cool man. I stole your clipboard. You can keep it.”
He glares at Eli.
“I don’t give a shit. Have a beer.”
ELI ON WHY IT WORKED
“I think I pulled a Mentos commercial. ‘It’s ok. I have breathmints. I stole someone’s cab. I have a cute smile. You can fuck off.’”
WHAT I LEARNED FROM THIS
The club environment is a complete fabrication. It’s a social bubble, created by its owners to ultimately make money and/or raise their status. Many clubs prey on people’s insecurities – creating an environment that seems intimidating, exclusive, and cooler than you – all to make you blow more cash to fit in.
So the next time you’re out and the club’s wearing you down, remember – it’s a social bubble anyone can pop, and all it takes is balls. Specifically, your balls.
TAKE A CLUBBIN’ ROAD TRIP!
Go to some random club in a place you’ll never see again. Make it a road trip with your buddies! Try something nutty (I’d rather not get sued, so I’ll say it here: do not break the law or start any fights). Maybe you’ll get kicked out, but who cares? Teabag that social bubble with your massive cojones ’til it pops.